PHP would still be a C interpreter even if you disabled JITs.
Really, we never should have left the Garden of Eden. Things were great there, other than the maternal mortality rate.
Given that there were no mothers in the Garden (other than arguably Adam who gave birth from his rib), the maternal mortality rate was undefined behavior (0/0). Which checks out -- what did they do during all their time in the Garden, anyway? I guess now we know that we cannot know, and that Lilith must have been of the nasal variety.