I wanted to be a dad more than anything in the world, and I absolutely love my kids and I love being a dad.

Most of the time.

There is a TON of things you have to do as a parent that objectively sucks, and you have to do it no matter how you are feeling and no matter what else you also have to do. It is impossible not to feel trapped, at times, by the understanding that it never ends, that you are a parent 24/7/365.25 and that your kids dominate your life. I don’t care how much you love your kids, you are going to feel that sometimes (or you are so strongly into the self-denial that you force yourself to pretend you always like it).

That doesn’t mean you aren’t a good parent, or even that you made the right choice to be a parent. Most of the best things in life involve sacrifice, and doing things you don’t want to have to do, and powering through even when you want to give up. It’s cliche, but the struggle makes the rewards even sweeter. Doesn’t mean the struggle doesn’t suck sometimes, and you might want to give up, and you have to use all your self-control tricks to maintain.

I feel even worse for parents who did IVF or other fertility treatments, or who adopt. In my conversations with some close friends who are in those situations, they talk about how much pressure they feel to never complain when it is hard. They spent a ton of money and effort and used insurance money and many doctors and procedures (or all the interviews and inspections and money for adoption) so they could have kids, and now they want to complain about being a parent? Of course, they still have all the same struggles and pains and nostalgia for their before life, no matter how much this is what they want.

Anyway, I am not sure what my point is. I just want people to be honest with themselves, and other parents and future parents, about what the entire parenting experience really is. Sometimes I think parents don’t want to scare potential parents off of being parents, which I think is understandable but overstated. There is simply no way to convey to non-parents what it is actually like to be a parent, and this applies to both the good and bad things. I thought my wife and I were prepared and knowledgeable and ready, and we were to the extent we could be. But so many things we imagined about what it would be like is not the reality at all, but even if we had a Time Machine I couldn’t explain to my previous self what it is actually like. You just have to experience it… if you want to. I would never tell people they should have kids, because it is such an all-encompassing thing that everyone has to decide for themselves… all without knowing what it will actually be like.

It is a hell of an adventure, though.

Critically: I give them my full attention.

I could choose to spend all that mental effort on myself, but I choose to spend it on them. That’s as good a demonstration of love as any, in my book anyway.

Edit: no offence taken! I didn’t interpret it that way at all.

It is true that some people are not really cut out to be parents. But unfortunately it is difficult to tell whether that will be you or not. I see people looking at comments in threads like this and then chiming in with sentiments along the lines of "see, this is why I never wanted to be a parent." There is no way to know that, and such statements strike me as cope. Becoming a parent changes you, but you won't know how until you do it. There is a lot of biology and psychology in play, for certain.

As I tell my own kids, however, be careful because you only get to become a parent one time. Cannot blame someone for opting out of the risk, even if the counterfactual is that they would have been amazing parents with amazing children and been much happier.

I think you’ve hit the key difference.

I waited until I was 40 before having kids, and it just feels like I’m doing it on easy mode.

We had time and money sorted out, and tons of free baby stuff donated from all our friends who had done it already.

It’s still lots of work, but you’re at a place in life where you can handle it. I can’t imagine trying to raise kids in my 20s, with my crappy stressful office job and no money in my little studio apartment.

Hats off to anybody who can do that.

Now with smaller family units and less community interaction they represent a risk to security, mainly financially.

Given the post you’re replying to, it seems you’re implying a specific reason, but what if it’s a different one? How about “I love children but having kids is super expensive”?

I wonder if there would be something identifiable in common if we fMRI'd your brains, as while you are definitely not alone it does seem like a pretty strong exception that makes the rule.

I regret the loss of my mental energy and personal time, but not them, if that makes sense.

This is stated as some sort of universal truth.

It is not. Please don’t make OP feel bad, whether you mean to or not.

Example: it took us an hour to walk the mile home from preschool together together. It's astounding to me to think that someone could be fulfilled and engaged for every minute of every day of that walk. That there's nowhere else they'd rather be. That some days it wouldn't just feel _slow_.

Being present for your kids can be hard work, and it sucks to be judged for putting in that work even when you don't enjoy it. I wish people would stop thinking they're better parents just because they _like_ spending a higher percentage of their time with their kids. All that means is that it's easier for them.

Celebrate the parents who put the work in, even when it's hard.

My kids miss out on nothing, don’t worry. There’s zero reason to pity them - they’re amazing and they have an amazing life. I purely regret my loss of mental energy and personal time.